Keeping score.  Almost all of us have done it at some point in our past or present relationships. 

When it’s done properly, the scorecard can set us up for a great relationship of trust, spontaneity and happiness.  When it’s done incorrectly, the scorecard merely acts like a hammer that pounds one nail after another into the relationship coffin.  Sounds dramatic? 

Perhaps.  But the prevalence of poor score-keeping in today’s relationships means we need a dramatic statement or two to wake us up from our bad habits. 

The current relationship scorecard usually runs something like this:

1. Keep track of what you do
2. Keep track of what the other person doesn’t do
3. Point out the gap until you’re blue in the face
4. Argue
5. Begin to feel like the relationship is going nowhere
6. The relationship goes nowhere

In an ideal world, relationships wouldn’t even have scorecards.  We’d enjoy the moments that rock.  We wouldn’t dwell on the ones that don’t.  And we’d always be on a positive trajectory. 

We’re a little more practical minded than that.  And for those of us who have long managed our relationships the wrong way, we need something tangible to help remind us how to look at things differently.

Hence we use the 1-column scorecard.  Yup, 1 column.  And the only column on it keeps track of what you do in the relationship that rocks.  For real. 

(Those of you who are single or in strained relationships may have just fallen off your chairs.  We’ll wait for you to get back up – because this is an important concept to get!) 

First – here’s the reason why the typical scorecards don’t work – and it lies in what you’re tracking:

Your scorecard is trying to do two things at once:

1. Track all the things you do that rock
2. Track all the issues in the relationship

And then we look at the gap between those two things.  We constantly compare them.  Apples to oranges anyone?  Those are two very different things!

Hence the 1-column scorecard.  Focus 100% of the scorecard on what you’re bringing to the relationship.  The benefits are enormous:

1. You feel good – because you benefit from the feeling of giving and investing in the relationship.
2. You feel good – because you’re doing things selflessly – without a need to receive something in return.
3. Your partner feels good – because they feel like you genuinely care.
4. Your partner spontaneously starts to do/say genuine things because they no longer feel manipulated (and trust us, when they felt manipulated before, they likely only did things out of guilt, or said things to tell you what you wanted to hear.  A harsh truth, but one worth noting, and one worth pro-actively avoiding by using the 1 column scorecard). 

But what about the things you were tracking in the second column – the ones that weren’t working in the relationship.  Surely they should be addressed somehow? 

Absolutely.  But that’s a whole other topic that we’ll explore in our next relationship post:  “How to really know when the relationship isn’t working”

Your practical action plan

• Use the 1-column scorecard as a tool to come up with different ways to show your partner you care – and to ensure that you do or say those things regularly. 
• If you find yourself falling into the traditional scorecard, remember these three words:  Mind The Gap.  It may be common language for the subway system in London (“The Tube”), but used here, it can be a powerful way to remind yourself of the gap you’re creating by using the wrong scorecard.   Literally: notice the gap you’re focused on and shift your attention the 1-column scorecard instead.