How do you usually diagnose whether or not a relationship is working?  It can be tempting to get into list-making mode – with all of the pros and cons neatly organized.   Once the list is complete, we seem to be convinced that we’ll draw a definitive conclusion about whether or not we should be proceeding. 

Unfortunately, we’re probably just going to go in circles again for today.  For tomorrow.  Maybe even for months or years.

The trick?  Unless you can see the forest through the trees, you’re never going to be in a position to make a meaningful decision. 

List-building is like marking and counting trees.  It’s a lot of busyness without a lot of accomplishment. 

Focus on the forest.  With big questions that get you out of the details.  Here are a few of our favourites:

Are your values aligned?  If you don’t share the same values about big things in life, you’re going to constantly end up arguing.  Over money.  Over communication.  Over anything that matters to you, but doesn’t seem to matter to them.  What values are most important to you?  Do they share them?  What things do you argue about?  What does it say about differences in values?

Are your goals aligned?  You don’t need to have the exact same goals in life, but things will go much more smoothly if your goals are aligned.  Do you both want to live abroad?  If only one of you does, can that be achieved in the relationship?  Do you both want to get married?   Are you both open to having children?  Bottom line: can you both achieve your goals over time? 

Don’t expect that someone’s goals are going to do a 180-degree turn because of the relationship.  Compromises might be made on smaller goals, but big goals that go unaddressed are like a smouldering volcano that will eventually blow. 

Do you feel like you’re being your best self?    Seriously.  When you’re in a great relationship, you should be feeling like you’re growing and being the best possible version of yourself.  You should not only enjoy the moments in the relationship, but the process of becoming you.  As Arianna Huffington says in her book Fearless….in love, work and life, “it’s all about finding you best self, not losing yourself in another.”   Who are you when you’re in this relationship?

What do you spend your time thinking about?   If you’re spending a disproportionate amount of time evaluating the relationship or the other person, it could be a warning sign.  The best relationships enable positive thought patterns – about you, your partner and the relationship as a whole. 

(Don’t panic if you sometimes have thoughts on how to make the relationship stronger – after all, relationships do take time, effort and imagination.   But if the thoughts are more along the lines of, “Why is this so hard?” then you may want to start asking the other power questions above.)

And when in doubt, learn to trust your gut.  Your brain can be overly rational.  Your heart can lead you astray.  But your gut can be your best tool to reconcile the two. 

Your Practical Action Plan

• Avoid the temptation to build lists upon lists of every attribute about the other person or the relationship.  In the end, does it really matter if they don’t like brussel sprouts or if they dig their top 40 music?
• Focus your efforts on the forest.  Ask the big questions that are the deal-makers or the deal-breakers – about your values, your goals, your growth and your thoughts.